I have a long blog to post but I don't exactly know where to start. And I don't know whether I have the stamina to post what I have to say. Its almost 12 20 am and I just got home from my badminton training. Ok, its not exactly a training...its a friendly competition with our ex-seniors. But i'll elaborate on that later. Ok. I think its best I start around the time school started.

Well, school started out well enough. I mean I was really happy today. I don't know why but I just felt really happy and its really been a long time since I was this happy. Firstly, my plan of not seeing my crush at all is going according to plan. Secondly, I did not pon my Economics lecture for the first time in eons. Of course, good things don't last forever. During our contact time, we had this career talk crap. I chose to attend the Mass Communication Talk as I wanted to know what its all about. Of course, the talk was super dooper boring and I ended up playing a prank on my friend. I took the lable off my mineral water bottle and wrote this message "I am Beautiful" and pasted it on my friend's back. Of course, I had absolutely no idea my friend would get so worked up when he found out about my prank after the lecture and he blew his top. He said to me "Fuck you la Ian. You watch out ah. I'll paste this thing on your back for the rest of the year!" Seeing how serious he was, I tried to apologise profusely but he refused to accept my apology. SIghz. I could I be so bloody dumb and play such a joke on him?!?!?! What was I thinking???? Of course, it troubled me that somebody was angry with me and I felt pretty depressed about the whole thing. I mean it probably would have been better had he accepted my apologies but he didn't. SIghz. I guess I'll probably apologise to him again later today. The 2nd thing that happened was I walked past my crush on the way to the canteen to buy food. Oh man. My plan had been working wonderfully until that moment. Crap. Ok. I admit. It is a very childish plan. A plan I devised way back in secondary 2 to help my friend forget about her crush. Of course, the simplicity of the plan made it all the more feasible. See, the plan is to aviod the girl and don't see her and don't talk to her and basically don't think about her. When you do that, you'll naturally stop thinking about her and ultimately, the infatuation will be gone!! Haha. Sounds brilliantly simple huh? Then you'll ask yourself: How childish can I get? When will I ever grow up? and finally What the hell are you reading this thing for? Haha. I'm sorry if I crap alot here. Its MY BLOG!!!! Anyway, I remembered that I promised my friend that I will write about my crush here but I'm afraid that I will have to do it another time. Ok. But on a lighter note, I am contemplating whether or not to discontinue my Blog as the things I have already written here is Ian straight from my hip and nothing less. This has caused me terrible embarrassment whenever one of my friends read it or something like that (yes I am a very gek seh person). Plus, I cannot talk about my crush here and that is terribly frustrating. I am contemplating continuing my blog in my secondary 2 diary with only 7 entires which are mostly about my crush back then. Right. And i said those exactly same things back then and now. I hate my crush. Haha.

Ok. On to training. I am super depressed because of my earlier 2 incidents and I really didn't felt in the mood for training. Despite many "IAN!!!!!! Wheres your passion????" by the vice-captain, I still felt no drive and motivation and the training is basically a waste of my 2.5 hours amd the people who sparred with me. I'm so sorry guys. i hope you understand. I did tell you that I am depressed afterall. Even the vice-captain told me later that he was terribly disappointed with my performance during training. Haizzzz. Let another person down. But I really didn't feel happy! Next up after training was dinner and a team talk. Dinner sucks as I only ate a small portion (it is very small even by my standards) of nasi lemak in the hope of starving myself to punish myself for being so depressed. Anyway, the team talk was initially super boring and I broke one of the team rules by sending smses to some of my friends. 3 of them actually in the hope that maybe they could entertain me while the team got to talk about training and all those useless stuff. Of course, I didn't have one reply. What was I thinking? Did I really expect them to reply to a "HELP ME!!! I am SUPER bored" sms? Nono. DId I really expect them to reply me at all? Haha. Stupid Ian. What was I thinking? Anyway, our teacher in charge came to check on us and from then on, I tried focus on the team talk and I that it is nice of me to give the speaker a little respect while he is talking. The point of the team talk is to allow the players to air their views on training, school and anything about life in order to knit the team closer together. In short, Team Bonding. Of course, The Year 1s had their say first and it is seriously boring stuff. "yes I think our team is blah blah blah..." The year 2s weren't that swell either. "The team has really great bonding.....this is a recommended method of studying...the Year 1s have already settled in.." and not to mention my good friend words "I really appreciate the team and really hope we can achieve our goal. Because this year we have a very strong team and we should do it together as a team." I thought that he really spoke from the heart and me, being the last in line to speak could only wonder what I am going to say when it was my turn. I decided then that whatever I say later will come from my heart and not what people will expect and want me to say. nevermind that my friend has already briefly touched on my topic, I started out by saying "I know that Shaun has already talked about his life in school. I also know that my life in school is similar to his but I wish to share it with you all the same" and I continued... I told them that I am an appeal student. I told them that last year I felt really proud to be in my school and felt deeply grateful to the principle for letting me come into the school thorugh sports. I knew that I had to reciprocrate the act in some way and the best way was to help the team is to try my very best in the national competitions. After the competitions, I became very bored with my life as tutorials after tutorials piled up on me. I slacked during the June Holidays thinking that I could do some last minute studying and scrape though the June common tests. I was very wrong. I failed so horribly I had to see the principle. I have been skipping tutorials, ponning lectures and not doing my tutorials. I tried to study really hard after that for the promotional examinations but it is very diffcult. Firstly, there is a mountain load of work to catch up and secondly, I couldn't balance my training and study time. I became very disillusioned with my life and I viewed training as a bore. A torn in my neck. My attitude during training changed for the worse. I would complain about trainings, slack durng training and report late for training. Of course, I didn't realise it but my attitude really affected the whole team. Training became very boring and everyone wasn't putting effort into training. I think that the disbanding of the team as some of you Year 1s have heard was more or less caused by me. It is really a mistake and I felt very bad for what I have done. In the months of my bad attitude, my badminton has deproved and it is really difficute to train and try to maintain it to an OK level for the competitions this year. What I wish to tell the Year 1s is that you must all be very focused in school. You should all do your tutorials dilligently as I believe that many of you will not study much during the June holidays. You will wake up early in the morning, then looking at the time go back to bed, or even if you DO wake up early, you would go out with friends slack at home and etc. Trust me. Its very hard to study during the holidays. Thats why you should be focused in both your training so that you can keep standard consistant and work towards next years competitions and focus on studies as you came to school to study. I also know that some people may not be amongst the 12 selected to represent the school in the competitions. But, like the vice-captain has said, that isn't an issue. Everyone of us is part of the team and the bad attitude of just 1 person will affect everyone. So, even though you may not be selected, you are still part of us and you must continue to be focused on your training as you will aid the school next year. Finally, I think that we realy have a balanced squad this year and I honestly believe we can win. That was my speech. Though it isn't exactly what I said because I am a poor speaker, the meaning and the ghist of what I said during the team talk. Sure, it may not be very well said or well presented and my voice isn't the type to touch people's hearts. But I am very proud that what I said came from my heart and I was relieved that most if not all of the people were listening to me.

Haha. Next on the itenary for the day is the friendly match against our ex-seniors. Of course, I took it very seriously as I wanted to see how ready I am for the competition. I took the first match. The first set was quite ok but the second was horrid. I was hampered by my fatigue and my mistakes started to ruin my game. But I would say that at least my legs were moving. Haha. Well, the rest of the friendly was spent watching my team mates play and of course, lots of talking to my friends about my crush? Haha.Sighz. Okok. I'll write about it. See, this friend lets call him Darren was asking me about who my crush is. He is quite persistent dispite me trying not to say. However, I was pretty convinced that he didn't know her and so I made a mistake by telling him who my crush was. SIghz. He knew her..not in person but he knew who she was. Sighz. My mistake. But he did give me one very good advice. He told me that when you get to know the girl you are infatuated with, you'll most probably not like her anymore as you'll feel that she is just an ordinary girl and nothing more.So, you'll soon not find her special and not like her. Cool advice. Maybe I'll try it out. But problem is how do I get to know her? Haha. Anyway, Shaun also spoke to me about my crush. I didn't tell him who it was but he told me that girls are just girls afterall. Treat them as I would treat a guy. Haha, He told me alot of stupid stuff like how to SMS girls and stuff like that but I was very glad that he actually talked to me about my shyness and stuff like that. Surprisingly, I felt better afetr talking to him and after he giving me advice and all. Haha. Anyways, I probably have to sleep now. The only thing that I can say before I sleep is that I still don't understand why in the world could I manage to like a girl whom I know will never like me in return. Why would I like a girl who is way above my league? Sighz. I think life is really funny. Making you want the things you cannot have. SIghz:(