I am writing this blog in the middle of the night with no lights. The reason for this is simple. I have been tossing and turning in bed for the past 1 hour and I have yet to fall asleep. Of course, the reason for doing so is everytime I am near sleep, I'll feel a sudden pang of loneliness and I'll wake up again. Yeah. I know its kind of funny that I should feel this way considereing that I should be more worried about my studies than some crappy lonely feeling. This may also be attributed to the fact that I have just read some heart warming story about some Teenage Textbook. Sighz. Surprisingly, that book in 3 chapters has invoked in me a kind of feeling that I haven't felt in a looonng looonnng time. I cannot describe this feeling but I could try to explain it to you. Its like a mixture of sadness, loneliness and you just feel that there is a ddep void inside you or something. The last time I really felt this way was way back in secondary 4. Then, the story came in the form of a very very long email titled "Doice Vita". ABout a male who found love throught the internet with this really sweet girl. Of course, they dated and he bought her a bottle of Doice Vita. She sprayed the perfume into the air so that they would last longer and so she could smell them. See, this girl at the time of loving the guy is also suffering froma potentially fatal disease. And the sad part is that the moment she finally found love that make her happy, her condition worsened and she had to be hospitalised. Of course, the boy was very sad and the very day that he visited him, she talked to him about her feelings for him and later in the day, she passed away. He laster received a letter from the dead girl. The girl had asked her sister to send the letter to the male in the event that anything should happen to her and in the letter, she expressed her love for him. And the story ended. Of course, This is a very simplified version. The story was very well written with pretty thought out dialouges. But impact that the story has was that it made me feel extremely sad for that whole day. It made me put myself in the shoes of the persona and felt his love for the girl. But just when he is actually able to cherish the love that he has, his love was so cruelly snatched away from him:( Of course, I never forwarded this email to anyone and I used to keep it in my Microsoft Outlook Folder. Sadly, some virus wiped out my entire hard disk and I had to reformat the computer making me lose that email forever. But the point of me writing this is so that hopefully, despite my terrible terrible way of saying things, I am able to give you a sense of how I fell now. And its this loneliness that makes me think alot about my life, my crush and the reason for me being so gutless. I really admire people in the past. A past with telephones but no emails and handphones. Getting to know a girl would either require some courahe to call a girl or to talk to her in person. I would have died had I lived in the past with no computers. For the past hour, I have been convincing myself that I am not lonely. That I have loads of friends. I tried to tell myself that I don't need to be loved. I don't need a crush. I like my life. Apparently, the only thing that I can do these days is try to bluff myself. But who knows better than myself? Why am I trying to make myself belive in something I know is not true? I guess, I havem't found an answer to that question yet which is why I am wrting this online blog. Once a person has been in bed for an an hour, they'll get sleepy and even if they cannot sleep, they'll toss and turn in bed. (for me anyways). The fact that this one of the super few times I actually turned on my computer to write my blog really proves to me that I really am lonely and troubled by that. I blame myself for beign such a coward. I blame myself for looking at the floor whenever I see girls. I blame myself for not being a nicer person. I see that after typing almost nonstop, I am about to admit that for the past 3 days, I have been deluding myself. In what way? For the past 3 days, I am actually one depressed person. However, I have been telling myself that I am tired, I didn''t sleep well, I am worried about my competitions...etc. But the truth is I felt really lonely and desolate during those 3 days. I don;t really know the cause of it, but I believe that my loneliness stems from something called a lack of courage. This lack of courage bothers me alot more than I dare to admit. In front of my friends, I act care-free and totally oblivious to whatever they have to say about me being a coward and so on. But I know that what they say about me is true and that there is not really a use trying to fake myself further. Of course, you may also realise me typing and writing in circles. I am trying to write and write until I dare to write out what I really think is causing the way I feel now. Of course, many people would have already guessed the answer. But I still do not find the courage even in a blog to admit to myself. REally, I wish I didn;t have a crush. People call it infatuation but sometimes I really wish I didn;t have it like most other guys. Firstly, I know that I am not the social and outgoing kind But the people whom I call friends, I really treasure their friendship. I don;t really believe in having alot of superficial friends also known as "high-bye" friends. This has made it extremely difficult to widen my social circle outside of my PDP. Of course, I used to be a loner. The single anonyomous person in school reading a book and not fiving a damn about what the world thought. However, as I grew older, I realised that I didn't like being a loner. "No one man is an island" and I believe in that. I know that having a crush is supposed to be a normal thing. But to me, everytime I have a crush, I know that it would be impossible for me her to like me in return mainly because of 2 things. I am not good enough (looks and character wise) and I will never have the courage to go and get to know her or to at least try and be her friend. Thus, my natural reaction is to immediately try and distance myself away from her and hope that the crush will die off soon. It was ok then in sec 2-4 eben though I felt sad from trying to distance myself from mycrush, I also felt ok because it was in line with me being a loner and I was fine with that. Of course, I really never actually got over my 1st 2 major crushes.The 1st crush I had, I had a crush on her for 1 and a half years. I eventually managed not to like her only because I went to like anotehr girl from the same sport as me. This one however lasted much shorter. I tyell my friends that I liked her for only 6 months but truth be told here, I liked her for almost 17 months. I managed not to like her because she I did a very very bad thing. I forced myself to tptally hate her. See, O knew alot about her and frankly, her character is extrememly similar to mine. I forced myself to hate her so that I won't have a crush and it actually worked. With some side effeects. I really hate to hate people and I really felt very very bad for hating her and just convincing myself that I hate her. I thought about all her bad points and it was made easier because she is from a rival school and I didn't like that school much either so yeap. I basically ceased contact with her and I don't even talk to her anymore. I really felt terrible losing a friend just like that but I knew I had to do something about it. Of course, my engineered hate is quite severe and even now, I hold a grudge against her. In what way? I don';t know. But I know that to be friends again will take alot of effort on my part. Till now, I still feel emtremely bad for losing a friend in such a sickening way but I guess I didn;t know what the hell I was doing. And now, when I though I was in the clear, I had to have a crush again. I don;t know. Having a crush only seems to bring me sadness and lonelyness. But when I don;t have a crush and I see otehr people having crushes, I fell envious. And when I see my friends having girlfriends so easily, I never fail to feel a pang of jeolousy and sadness at myself for being the failure that I am today. So what am I to do? I honestly have no idea. I know that I want to be liked. But I don't want to be liked at the same time for fear that it'll eventually bring more sadness to me But right now without being liked, I am already feeling sad and lonely. Really, I don't understand the meaning of life.