Lets see. One the most interesting things that has happened in my life happened 2 days ago while I was watching Samurai X on AXN. I returned after the show and expected to see no new people online, no new e-mails that I should delete and no new messages. But I was pretty..no I was extremely surprised when I saw an unknown online user message me. But what was so interesting was his opening message "Hey! This is KQ. DO You remember me?" Wow. KQ is one of my best friends in Primary school and we haven't met since we parted ways 6 yeras ago. The KQ that I met on ICQ didn't change much at all (thank god). The interesting part about him is he is still so critical of himself! And he is still full of words that make me go "hmmmm..I never thought of that before!!" Its really not often you meet someone whose words carry depth. Anyway, KQ is one amazing guy (if I have not already mentioned that). Within the span of 5 hours, he has sort of already dissected my character and its pretty darn accurate too! Well, perhapes some of the things that I'll be writing today will focus on some of the things he said which made me think pretty hard about. We'll see..

Well, I didn't realise this before, but I don't take compliments well. As in I absolutely cannot handle them in a professional way. Well, how dod I actually come to such a conclusion? Well, it actually started out with some observations by my friends. Lets see..the first one said that I was behaving pretty starngely nowadays. He said that in the past, when he was in my Orientation Group for the first 3 months of JC, he said that I was having so much fun. I was so full of confidence. But he said recently when he talks to me I keep you looking down then looking up again. He said he doesn't really understand what I am doing! The second person told my friend that when I played on court I played with confidence. But in person, I behave so differently. Like during the assembly when the badminton stood in front of the school, I stood there with my head down staring at the floor. Should I defend my own behavior? Well, to clarify a few things with others, I would like to repeat my initial statement when I started out this paragraph. I do not take compliments well. Everytime someone compliments me, I'll usually try to play it down because I will feel super embarrassed (with the exception if you praise me about my chinese). And when I do feel super embarrassed I will always look straight down at the floor and wish the floor would swollow me up. But then again, its very very rude to look at the floor when someone is talking to you and thus I will have to occassionally look up againa nd this explains the stupid looking up looking down behavior. Of course, if no one is talking about me and I'm embarrassed, my head will always be looking at the floor. Sighz. Many people may say that I am weird or I am proud because of this behavior. But I'm afarid that I will just have to accept their judgement because I know that unless I can overcome my shyness or something, I'll never be able to do things like ordinary people do.

Dwelling on the subject about proud, I was witness to the volleyball finals between our school and AJC. Our school players fought valiantly and I'm sure they deserved to win. Even to a person like me who has never watched volleyball before, I could tell that our school players were slightly better. I'm serious. Its just that for some reason they really made alot of mistakes and perhapes they were intimidated by some players from AJC. And thats the point of this paragraph. During yesterdays match, I was intrigued by this person wearing the number 14 jersey. From the start, he has always looked to be their star player. But he was so proud. He was almost like some people I know. Basking in the spotlight. Holding his hands up as if he has just won the greatest point ever in history. I don't know. But he does seem to be very well liked even if he seems so proud. Maybe he is a really nice person in real life, I'll possibly never get to know. But if he really is a proud person, he is sort of contradicting again one of my principle values in life. Since young, I have been a true believer that being humble will make you more friends and earn you more trust than proud people ever will. I have read countless stories where the proud will fall and fall hard. The idiom "pride comes before a fall" is testament to what I believe. Even my father once told me when I was young. "If one day you do become good at something, always be humble about it. Nobody likes proud people". Of course, now that I think of it, I believe that my fear of being proud bears roots all the way back when I was in Primary school. It was really an interesting age really. I had just been admitted into Tampines Training Centre and my first activity in that training centre was to represent it for the then annual SPEX training camp jointly organised by Anglican High School and SBA. It was the first time I met SBA players and Bishan players. Of course, the SBA players mixed generally amongst themselves as did the Tampines and Bishan players. Of course, at that time I had just known the Tampines players and I still didn't feel a part of them. But thats besides the point. The point was there was this competition amongst all the players participating in the camp. By some werid twist of fate, I won it (there was this player who had leg injury and pulled out, a player who lost his cool and lost). The person I met in the finals was actually a person from Tampines. After the match, I tried to apologise but I'm not sure..he just brushed me aside and never did talk to me for the rest of that day. The people whom I called my friends sort of abandoned me and went to console that person. That day, the Bishan players (surprisingly, they knew me even though I didn't know them) came to talk to me. It was also on that day that I learnt alot about life. That you can be so well liked one minute and so hated the next minute..that you will never know whether your friends are true, or are they just a bunch of people who makes use of you and discard you when you need them most. That night, for the first time in a long time, I slept alone. The person who was my roommate had abandoned me. I thought about it for a long time before coming to the conclusion that I was behaving too proudly. I may not have noticed it but maybe the words I said were proud words without them ever intending to be proud. Perhapes the words I said were too critical of otherw and has hurt them without actually meaning to hurt. Earlier that year, I had also been selected by some really insane luck (there was this selection thing and I beat this guy whom I didn't even know I could hold my own against) to be part of a small group of people to go to Indonesia. But I knew right from the start that I was the outcast. Most of the players there were SBA players save for me and another person who was from Bishan. Right from te start, I knew that they didn't like me. I didn't know why. Perhapes I was proud? Perhapes the words I say were too darn hurting? Perhapes they felt I was too lousy to be amongst them? I'll never know. SBA people tend to view themselves to be above others. But the interesting thing is the Bishan person mixed with them all right. Really intriguing. Anyway, I enjoyed the trip very much because it was my first time going to such a faraway place but I didn't enjoy myself at the same time because I was very disturbed by why so many people could hate me. I concluded then that it must be because I wasn't part of their clique. But then, when even the people who you thought considered you part of their clique abandoned you, you really start to wonder alot about things. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I was pretty proud as a person. It made perfect sense to me. Teochews are generally proud and have high self-esteems. Most of my family members are pretty proud people. I remember that I was very very shy back then and I didn't even dare to llok at girls. But I could faintly recall that perhapes I had juts a tad too much self-esteem for other peoples liking. And in that age, I lied to myself for the first time. I told myself that I wasn't proud and I was dead set to become a better person...a nicer person..a person who would be well-liked by his peers. I lied to myself so many times over the past 6 years that I really didn't know whether I even used to have self-esteem then. I was such a good liar. And I only began to realise that I have been lying to myself because KQ told me that he suspected that perhapes I did have alot of self-pride. But whenever I begin to have self pride, I would deflate it like a ballon. Some sort of defense mechanism. But against what, he didn't knew. It really started me thinking alot about myself again. So, do I have self pride now? Do I have alot of self-esteem? Am I proud but the people around me are so diplomatic that they don't dare to tell me I am proud? I thought that I was long past the proud stage. That I was a humble person. But am I? I feel proud of my blog because it has a nice template. Does that make me a proud person? I keep looking down and avoiding people in school because I dont dare to look at them or to even say hi. Does my behavior tell others that I am a proud person? I try not to tell others about my numerous tournaments even though they sometimes ask about it. I am afraid that they will say that I am proud. But secretly, even if I am proud of my achievements, I would try to play the thing down until its kind of worthless. Am I a proud person? Or am I arrogant and idiotic? Sighz. So many issues. I don;t even know myself all that much. Which really bothers me when I saw the person wearing number 14 yesterday. He acts so proud, yet he is so well liked..perhapes liking a person as a friend has more to do than your character? Maybe some people will always have more friends that others even though they have more bad traits? Maybe there really is something called an X factor and a Y factor. Where X factor means people just see you and like you. Whilest Y factor means people see you and dislike you. Maybe I have alot more of the Y factor that alot of people dislike me. I guess I'll never know. But I'm pretty sure of one thing. Perhapes the reason why i am so critical of myself is precisely because of what happened back in the training camp. Perhapes I may have been a different person had this incident not taken place. I'll never know. The only thing that I can really hope for now is that the people who I call friends now treat me as their true friends. The only thing I can wish for is that nobody will hate me.

Anyway, here is another set of lyrics by Groove Coverage titled "Million Tears" It is a nice song with equally cool lyrics. Enjoy it.

Million Tears

I wanna know where you belong,
I wanna know why I sing this song.

I try to show how much I feel,
is that a dream or is it real?`

I never look where you belong,
until I'm gonna sing my song.

Is it a lie or is it true?
So many tears I've cried for you.


Oh ho oh ho a million tears for you
Oh ho oh ho a million tears for you
Oh ho oh ho a million tears for you
Oh ho oh ho a million tears for you


A Million tears that i have cried,
I wish you where right by my side.

I try to show how much I care,
believe in me I will be there.

I never knew where you belong,
whenever you just hear my song.

Is it a lie or is it true?
So many tears I've cried for you.


Oh ho, oh ho, a million tears for you,
Oh ho, oh ho, a million tears for you