Its been a while since my last entry and needless to say, when I started out on this entry, the words that came off my fingertips were extremely rusty. I had very much wanted to post last night but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to bother blogging them down. A huge mistake really because I would so love to read about all the thoughts that I had last night at 2 am. Well, perhapes thats one of the purposes of this entry. To recollect previous thoughts and to blog down present ones. Lets start off with the present ones. 3 months ago, I agreed to my sister's request to re-schedule my Mathematics tuition for Saturday evening. I knew the moment I agreed that it probably was a big mistake. One of the reasons for regretting it was Saturday was one of the few days that I want to be free and be able to do as I wish. No trainings, no tuitions and certainly no homework and thinking about all those crap things that happens in life. I argued then that I would still have the afternoon to do whatever I wished to do be it inviting my friends out or just slacking around. Unfortunately, there is always something called tuition to hamper my mood to do these things. With the word tuition at the back of my mind, my outings will always be limited to a certain number of hours and my thoughts of slacking will always be limited to whether or not I have completed my tuition homework for the day. A very very horrible feeling especially on a Saturday. An especially horrible feeling when you wish to really enjoy yourself when you are with your friends and one of the most horrible feelings when your friends invite you out during the evening and you say "sorry...I've got tuition". Well, today is the last straw. My friends have invited me to this gathering of theirs at Bedok where we will be joined by one of my good friends from secondary school who hasn't been joining us for any of our outings (not that it is alot) but still, its one of the rare times that we could all be together again (just like old times)..until I told them "I've got tuition". You have no idea how sickening and irritating this feeling is. Especially when it won't go away and it lingers inside you. And it turns into anger. Anger at the world and anger at my own stupidity for agreeing to schedule my tuition on a Saturday. Anger is like fire. It needs something to burn. To eat away. It needs something to start it. And it needs something to keep it going. I've been feeling pretty angry for the most part of an hour. One of the longest times that I've been angry. I tried bathing to freshen myself up, But surprisingly, it didn't help me today. It also doesn't help that the ulcer in my mouth is causing me serious pain whenever I move my mouth because of my braces. This of course brings me to my next point which is why in the world am I putting on braces when I am clearly not good looking to begin with. Of course, my crooked teeth won't help me much, but it cannot possibly do that much harm to my already not good looking face and coupled with the fact that my dentist is a complete jerk who only knows how to make me wait 2 hours in the waiting room and making me sit down on that blasted chair of hers for the next hour trying to fix my teeth. Of course, the next best thing to do to relieve myanger is to sleep. I tried sleeping but ended up tossing and turning and at times purposely trying make my ulcer hurt more because I just felt so angry at everything especially myself. And i wanted to cause myself hurt. With my luck today, my father came in and he didn't particularly help by giving me another one of his lectures on studying which didn't really go well with me and of course, I didn't respond well and in the end, he was pissed and I was even more angry. Which is why I came to this place to vent all my anger on the keyboards. Anger anger anger. There is only 3 emotions in the world that I know can cloud emotions pretty badly. One of them is anger, fear and love. Either of these 3 emotions in large quantities can cause a person to do things he'll never ever attempt to do in his life. Right now by blogging, I mean, by banging really hard of the keyboards, I have taken away some of my ager. But it didn't take away as much of it away as I had hoped. The moment there is something like an accidental biting of my ulcer is enough to again spark off a greater fire that will require an even greater outlet which through experience is possibly shouting at somebody or punching my bed or my cupboard. And of course, I really hope I don't ever go there again because I have made a promise to myself to keep my temper in check and to maintain a SUPER high level of self control over myself.

And going on to yesterday's events. My physics tutor came in at around 8 30pm. The first thing he said to me was "so hows it going?" A very good question really because it made me feel guilty all over again about not even touching my Economics. I put it at the back of my mind to prepare for the Physics hell that he is sure to unlease upon me, and he said "Did you know that there was this girl from this school who committed suiside?" Apparently, his voice carried a good amount of shock and disbelief such that I just had to pause for a moment and analyse his thinking. Here was definitely a person who wasn't accustomed to such things and had different oppinions about suisides from mine. It was of course also rare for anyone to discuss this issue so I was pretty much all ears when he said "Its so wasted. She is really very stupid. She has her whole life ahead of her and she does this kind of stupid things. Its just an internal exam. Fail then fail loh. Its not even the A Levels. Her act also cause unnecessary discomfort amongst her friends and school mates and grielf amongst her family" That wasn't what he said exactly but it is 99.7% similar. After hearing what he said, it dawned onto me that ALOT of people shared the same opinion about people who commits suiside. I have also recalled some website proclaiming how stupid people who committed suiside are and about how wonderful life is and about how they are throwing gods most wonderful gift to them away. And coming onto this topic, I have also recalled recent articles on MSN news that group suisides are on the rise in Japan. The article mentions that total strangers from the same cities meet over internet chatrooms and forums. There, they post their grievances in life and encourage each other to be brave and take their own life. many of these people then meet up at a designated area where they'll commit suiside together. Some of the methods used include stuffing paper up the exhaust pipes of cars to allow carbon monoxide to enter the car and take their lives, while others prefer to jump off buildings together. The website also lists the reasons that they THOUGHT the teens committed suiside for. Top of the list was love problems and stress from the environment (includes studies). Not surprising, the news article professional as it is trying to hold back its personal comments but apparently letting slip the occasional disapproval here and there. It is here that I am supposed to write in my very own personal view on suisides. But if I am to do that, I am going to have to bend my promis a little and with-hold some of my views that I deem inappropriate to be read. Firstly, I think that the many teens who commit suiside have not done it at the spur of the moment. They have contemplated doing so for some time and even judged the pros and cons if they were to live and if they were to die. I am in no position to speak for them but this is what I think they feel. I think that many of them was so troubled by their own problems that they grew really sick of life and all its troubles and problems. The cons of going on and living life are of course facing their problems, which many people believe will be never ending and settling one may just bring about another problem and another and yet another until they are super sick of it. The pros are of course by taking their own life, they are freed from their misery and can finally be at rest. Contary to what many people say about people who commit suiside being cowards who dare not face their problems but instead running away, I feel that many of these people are actually quite brave. For one, they dare to let everything go and just give up life. Furthermore, they are also courageous enough to take that final act of taking their own life. It is already a traumatic experience if you were to stare at death in the eye but to actually be the one who walks up to death is an amazing act of courage. I forgot whatever happened to the notion since Shakespeare days that taking your own life was the bravest and most noble act a man can do (think Brutus from Julius Caesar). Anyway, that is my personal take on suisiders. To my Physics tutor : I do respect your views. But I do not think that we have the right to criticise them the way you just did. They are not stupid. Just because they view life differently from you doesn't mean that they can get criticised by you. Instead, try looking at things from their perspective and understand why suisiders do the things they do. A quote from the show To Kill a Mocking Bird where Gregory Peck playing Atticus Finch said "You never really understand a person...until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it"