Its about 12:38 am in the morning and I know I should be sleeping. However, before I sleep I felt that I should at least write this down. I have been trying over the past few days to figure out what kind of a person I am in the event someone asks me to describe myself. For a while in my life, the answers that came out of my mouth were surprisingly not my answers. In fact, they were answers that came out of my parents mouth. Answers like he is shy, he is quiet, he likes to read, he likes this, he likes that..etc. However, some part of what my parents think I am still bears an element of truth, I realised that I am not enitrely who I think I am myself. For example, I told many people that I am a quiet person. Am I really a quiet person? I can talk to people very freely over te internet. That doesn''t make me quiet. I don't talk too much over the phone. Does that mean I am not quiet? For a few days I lay down in my bed at night replaying incidences in school or at home that would perhapes shed some light on the kind of person I am. I came to a conclusion that there is no few words to describe a person. For me, I know that my character and my personality is governed by a few things. Firstly, it is my principles. What I believe is right, wrong, should do, shouldn't do..etc. The second thing is mindset. The thing that defines what a person seeks in live..be it his job or friends..etc. Third is of course disipline. Disipline to carry out whatever my principles say or the disipline to work for what my mindset tells me to do.

In every person, I believe that there is a little bit of everything inside him/her. Take for example, everyone is greedy, selfish, rude, unkind, nice, friendly, giving..etc. However, it is the different quantities of each of the qualities that define a person. Of course, the quantity of these qualities are also affected by parental guidiance, teachers influence, peer influcence or perhapes some significant incident in your life. More of a bad attribute like greediness would result in a "not so nice" person. This being said, I would like to clarify with MYSELF and to remind myself that I am not who I try to be. See, i realised that yes..the truth is though I try to deny it, I am a pretty "dao" (proud, snobbish..etc) person. I do aviod some people whom I don't particularly take a liking to, and I do aviod people whom I feel embarrassed being close to. For example, not-so-close friends, seriously distant relatives, and people whom I don't know. I used to like being a quiet person, much like my secondary school best friend who is an introvert. However, I realised that perhapes I am not so quiet after all. See, the reason why I was so quiet all the time when I was young was because I do not dare to socialise with other people. I was always afraid of what people will think of me. Whether they would laugh at me. Whether they would look down on me. Whenever I go to parties or to other people's houses, I would just keep to myself and watch that lame program on the television or play my toys or just read my book. I have yet tor recall a time when I really had fun and felt comfortable when I went to other people's homes. In secondary school, I wanted to be the one everybody would overlook in school. The forgotten kid in class. All these because it is my first time in a "mixed" school and I was totally and terribly embarrassed to be with new friends let alone girls. It seemed so funny now but I know that this is one fear that will probably never escape me. Of course, I know that I didn'y particularly give my new classmates a very good impression of myself. I came across to them as...YES!! you guessed it. "dao" and "quiet" and "weird". Of course, at that time that was fine by me so long as I didn't have to embarrass myself. SIghz. I still remember so clearly the advice my father gave me in secondary 3. "Why don't you give others a chance to know you. Alot of people want to be your friend but you cannot be so proud." It was then I thought that maybe being quiet and so terribly anti-social was wrong. At that time, I only had a few close friends. In secondary 3, I began to mix around with my classmates..not as much as the rest but still it was a start for me. By the time I was in secondary 4. I thought. "Oh my. Have I become totally different from what I actually plan to become?" I thought that way though. Until I graduated from my seoondary school. I didn't make friends easily because I know that I have a low self esteem. I will usually not talk much to people whom I don't know and I realised that in JC 1 during my 1st orientation. Of course, I wanted to make new friends and settle in quickly and have some fun. But of all the 40+ people from my Orientation Group, I only managed to know 3 people. The first was my OGA, a super nice guy whose just nice:) The second was a girl who introduced herself to everyone. And lastly, a guy who just happened to be very friendly to everyone. Yes, I am pathetic. I was petrified (if thats the correct spelling) of the repeat students in my class as I felt that they were somehow olderthan me and therefore I should be addressing them as seniors and treating them with that much respect seniors deserve and not the way I treat my peers. Well, eventually I decided to try to be some kind of a nice person so that I can talk to everyone and you know have more friends or something. Well...I also learned that being a nice person on IRC or MSN or whatever internet chat replays there are out there is not an easy task. Its so much more simple to be who you are over the internet and when you are talking to other people online, there isn't really a fear of saying the wrong things as hey ITS VIRTUAL meaning NOT REAL.But yes...I also learned that being myself is so much easier over the net than in real life. In real life, I am terribly afrad of what I say to my friends as some words come out of my mouth at the spur of the moment. It may be how to feel but presented in an awful way could SPELL trouble for friendship. And with me already having so little friends, losing friends isn't really an option to me. See, I hate disputes and arguements with my friends. I don't know how to apologise and sort of make things right again. And of course, I am sometimes diplomatic to people whom I don't really like meaning I that I try to be nice to them when I don't really enjoy their company or friendship..etc. But the part I really don't like about myself is I do bad mouth people and talk behind peoples back. I hate hypocrites but I am a hynpcrite. I don't like backstabbers but talking behind people's backs is a form of backstabbing and I hate myself for that. I really do want to be a nice person. But sometimes, I know I just am not or I pretend to be one. I mean why can't I just be a nice person like Adam Sandler is in Big Daddy or something. Able to please everyone and the best part is thats his nature (at least in the show). SIghz. I think that the only people who really knows me is my close friends from secondary school I hope that they have accepted me for who I am. Thing is they have seen almost every side of me that can possibly be seen and are still my friends. And after re-reading what I have said thus far, I can also say that I have a seriously low self-esteem. And yeap..I do know what actually caused it but I don't plan to say it here or anywhere else for that matter. Some things in life are not meant to be brought out into the open. Sighz. And after deviating so much about what kind of a person I really am? Well, all I have to say is still shy, fearful, unfriendly, and finally,a coward. Ok I should end here. BUT i want to ass this last sentence before I fall asleep on my keyboard (that would be bad). I think that for every person, a first impression is very important. To create a good first impression creates an oppotunity for people to want to get to know you. But only when you are true to yourself (don't be a faker like me trying to be nice when I am not) that people can overlook your faults, accept you as a friend, and like u as a person for the simple reason that you are who you are. Nothing more, and nothing less.