I am currently undergoing a rather interesting period in my life. Firstly, the national schools competitions for junior colleges are coming up. Now, this may not be a big deal to many but it is a big deal to me. The reasons are simple. Firstly, I am an appeal student meaning I managed to get into my school though my sports CCA a.k.a PDP. As a result, I feel that I have an obligation to this school to uphold its honour. The second reason is because of the amount of faith my teammates have placed on me. Last year, we relied on our captain to go out there and give us support. Ok, maybe he doesn't give the whole team support but he is a very important person to me. Of all my teammates, he is the one that commands the most respect from me. His fighting spirit and motivated attitude inspires me to try my best for each and every game even though I may not be winning. However, this year is different. My "spiritual support" is gone. I tried to believe that everybody would place their faith into our present captain for support. However, I don't exactly believe in this anymore (at least I know I don't). The reasons I shall not say for fear of demoralising the team. However, I do know I thing and that is almost everyone expects me to be their "spiritual support". I know that I may sound proud saying this but the truth is I really am in no position to go out there and motivate the whole team. We have good junior players who can do a much better job but I think everybody views a senior as having more experience (just because he is older). As a result of all these, coupled with the obligations as an appeal student, I feel that I have been under increasing pressure. For those of your eading this who knows what I am talking about I hope you understand how I feel. I don't what to let anyone down. I don't want to be the one that spoiled the team. I don't want to be the one whom people will look at and shake their heads. I don't want to be the failure of my school and my sport. Of course, If you read my entry below this. You may have a rough guide of the kind of a person I am. Shy, fearful, afraid to take risks, coward..etc.

For the past 10 years of my life, I have been living my life in fear of the next game. The next match. The next event. 10. Yes. Thats a very sorry figure isn't it? Not being able to overcome oneself in a decade. It is this fear I feel everytime I play that has prevented me from enjoying myself when I play a sport. It is still present in me though. In even greater quantities than before. It is consuming me. I know that only I can overcome my own fear. To play the way I should play and not the way others want me to play. To be myself. I truely believe that only then can one play with my heart and give it my all. My pathetic excuse of a life can be summed up in this quote "Everybody is fearful. But all that fear has to go once we touch the battlefield. Those who are not afraid are cocky. And that cockiness will get you killed" - quoted some American soldier from the 101st Division telling that to Times Magazine. The thing about my life is. I am afraid. But the fear doesn't leave when I play. It lingers. And it restricts me. Binding me back. Restarining me. Hopefully, my writing this can inspire me to overcome myself. To realise who I am. And to live my life by this quote that I found so much meaning in. "It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half of the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listnessness for fear of what may happen." - Herodotus