When I lost my match last friday, it was well sort of a personal low for me. 2 reasons actually...
1. The team won 4-1. And I was obviously the 1. How should I put this...I have never been the one who lost the only point before.
2. I lost to someone whom I SHOULD have won easily. Thats what made it all the more painful and unbearable.

It was a really bad patch of life. I was in pain. I didn;t know what I was doing in life. Everything just goes by in a blur. I was scared. I felt alone. I thought that it was just another loss, no big deal. Heck players lose all the time. But I was wrong. It hurt so badly with each passing day. So I clinged on to the friends who stood up to be counted. And well, even if you didn't know you were supporting me, I'm grateful:)

My most pressing question was really about my ego. I have to admit, I think it is. Maybe I felt that I had a reputation to protect. Maybe I did think that I WAS a somebody. 3 years ago in TJC, when I felt fearful of the finals, I felt fear because I was afraid to let the team who so looked upon me down. I was afraid to waste all the effort during training all on one stupid match. Guess what. Even though this present situation was compounded by the fact that I almost nearly didn't make it into the team and that I did in fact question the coach and all, the truth was I didn't really felt that I have let the team down. More than anything, I felt that I have let myself down. And not only myself. My dad in a certain sort of twisted way. And the worst part was...I couldn't come to forgive myself.

My dad's birthday was on Sunday. It was a very mixed day. It started off on the wrong foot with my dad getting worked up over some trivial stuff. And yes, he did indeed give me a lecture. And in the midst of what he said, one sentence reverberated in my head. Like a beacon of light in a foggy forest. It wasn't the solution to my problem. But it was the answer. I don't know whether you understand what I mean. He didn't solve my problem. He just showed me the door. And I immediately knew where I was supposed to go.

But now, I feel much better. I got sick, went to see the doctor and got a buttload of pills from her. In a way, maybe I got my wish (a buttload of pills). But our team somehow managed to survive and advance to the semi-finals. I feel more focused in school and I guess everything looks better now:)