Wanted to blog yesterday but for some reason, I wasn't able to. I promise I won't pain your eyes by making this post a rather short one(I hope). Yesterday was a good day. Well, it was a good day depending on which perspective you view it from. I was moody, I was depressed and the weather seemed to reflect my mood PERFECTLY. It was just one of those days that I really felt like staying at home to waste my life away lying on the bed, staring at the celing and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. But given the circumstances, I had to go down to Bras Besar to buy some stupid Physics Ten Year Series that had answers to it (No point doing something when you don't know the answer to it). I felt terrible as I started on my journey to Bras Besar. I was sure there was a scowl permanently pasted on my face and I had totally lost all my desire to try and be a nice guy. It was also extremely unfortunate that at the bus stop, 2 young girls came up to me to ask for directions. I gritted my teeth, and answered her as best as I could given my current state of mind. But apparently, the girl became even more confused and she didn't seem to sense that I was going to explode at any minute. I could swear I nearly told her to leave me alone....but somehow, I managed to get her on her way. Whew. Disaster averted...but things didn't get any better. AT the MRT station, I was convinced that the whole world was against me. The newspaper aunty THOUGHT that I had shortchanged her and my EZLINK card seemed to really hate the MRT gate scanners. And whats worse to top off a bad outing experience when you alight at City Hall and realise that you look ridiculous compared to everyone else there. There I was, drabbed in some really old looking T-shirt, some really stupid looking shorts and carrying my grey bag while everyone else seemed to be dressed up for Prom Night or something. And yes, I did receive my fair share of stares and Sim...I really did felt like punching people yesterday....

BUT it was a good day because when i am depressed, I tend to think ALOT about my life. And it was something that I haven't done for ages. There I was, standing in the MRT train, staring at all those rows of HDB flats while recollecting past incidents and discovering alittle more about myself.

Question: Whats worse than not knowing your weaknesses?
MY Answer: Knowing your weaknesses and yet not doing anything about it. I knew that I had really shitty, crappy and near non-existant willpower. And it was this lack of willpower that actually enhanced my fear of the ARMY. In the Army, I know that I'll meet alot more people than I would want to actually. And some of these people unfortunately, lead totally different lives and uphold very different principles from me. I was totally paranoid about being re-assigned to some really crappy Platoon after my BMT. Of course, the platoon mates I am referring to are those people who have totally no aim in life, smoke, drink alcohol like water and go clubbing as often as possible. Its here that willpower comes in. Given that I am in the same platoon as them, they'll definitely want all their platoon mates to go clubbing with them. And its here that instead of refusing their offer, I am afraid that I'll be forced by peer pressure to go with them. And thanks to my lack of willpower, self control becomes extremely difficult as I'll probably find it hard to turn down offers of drinks, or cigarettes or drugs for that matter. Interestingly enough this topic was brought up during one of the "talk-cock" sessions that I had with my chinese teacher every chinese lesson. She said well....peer pressure is hard to resist. But, if its harmless like playing pool (i'm technically not allowed to), its alright to follow them. But if its like (she cited a rather interesting example here) those Army boys who go to Taiwan and look for girls to....then I would have to stand my ground say No. She said that principles in situations like this especially important. A person with really strong believs in his principles will find it easier to say no (think of the typical cartoon senario where the angel and the devil both try to talk some sense into the undecided guy). She also added that if your friends ask you to do something that will be harmful to you, then you shouldn't be afraid to lose those friends by rejecting them. Afterall, they aren't your real friends to begin with anyways=) darn. My chinese teacher is good!!

I also thought about why one of my good friend's confidence has really been irritating me recently. After suffering from a lack of confidence in myself for some time, I didn't really know how to feel when I saw my friend there reeking with Confidence. He was so sure of himself. So confident. So unafraid to hide his confidence. And he was ambitious. He was soooo confident, after the initial period of awe, i felt envy (yes! envy), and eventually, I felt irritated. Ambition. Yesterday when I mentioned this word to myself, it felt like the first time I have ever mentioned this word. Ambition. I thought about it. Yeap. Alot of people I know have ambition. And most of the people who have ambition are usually the people who have confidence in themselves. Sim: Think TJH, da Ben, and U! Hmm. I guessed I did have an ambition once. Back when i was In secondary 1. LoL. I remembered that being an appeal student to AHS, I wanted to prove that I could keep up with the rest of my classmates and not lag behind and eventually be living evidence in the case of "Why there shouldn't be appeal students" Back in secondary 1, I remembered competing with Jason over tests and examninations. I remembered that yes!! I was confident in what i was doing and my ambition then was to eventually study accountancy at NTU and be an accountant. Yeah..but ambitions die hard in my life. I forgot when I lost it. COuld it be I suddenly woke up one mornign and said "I think ambition are for rookies. I'm going to just lead my life..one day at a time." But I don't believed that actually happened. Haha. Perhapes it was a series of events. Some incident or something. After much pondering yesterday, I thought that maybe I had the answer...but ya..I'm not writing it out=)

PS: Chinese lesson was supposed to be a 30 minutes check your paper session. But it spanned into almost 2.5 hours of Zhu Lao Shi's time. Well, 2 hours of it was "talk-cock" session where today, she talked about life, and about career options=) I have always envied people who are able to get close to their teachers and have a conversation with them (think Wei Chern and Mrs Loo). But I have never really made an attempt to talk to any of my subject tutors unless they have some really pressing issues to discuss like..Ian your grades sucks. But I am really glad that I finally found a teacher whom I could talk cock with=) Even though its a chinese teacher. AT least she is very nice, warm, friendly and doesn't treat you with disrespect. Its just pretty ironic. In the subject that I detest most, I would find a teacher of that subject whom I could talk to in CHinese. Haha. And...

Ian....you do not like the girl. Stop kidding yourself. You'll love Einstein and Keynes more.

Oh by the way, this will probably be my last post=) My cousin is coming over to our place soon (hopefully next week) to obliterate my PC. No more MSN, ICQ, IRC and definitely no more blogging. Of course, I will still check my emails on hotmail in school. And to all of you whom I may not have a chance to talk to if the PC gets destroyed, Good Luck for your A Levels and your Promo Results depending on whose reading this=)