I feel scared. Its exactly 10 days to my exams and I duno't know what I am doing. I stayed in school for 4 hours today to supposedly study but ended up trying to figure out how to use this really dumb program (ok dumb people call good programs dumb) called R. Even the name lacks originality. How about calling it "REALLY Useless" or something.

And please pardon the really bad and atrocious english. I seem to be suffering from some weird brain disease that well enables me to THINK a proper sentence but type osomething that just looks plain weird.

The whole week was bad news for me actually save for this glimmer of light that came in the form of news that I got accepted for an Overseas CIP and with Noel to boot. Yay! And I was so afraid I had to spend my summer vacation working. Well actually working isn;t that bad. I need the money anyways with me spending over twice what i get in weekly allowances. Hmm....

Almost 4 months have passed since well 2007 came and reflecting on it, I don't know what to make of it. 2006 was a great year. I had fun before school, and I worked hard in school learning alot of stuff along the way. Made great friends had good times and basically well, led the kind of life I hoped to live. SMU isn't exactly the way I envisioned it to be but then again, its very easy to blame our environments and criticize things (like I am doing openly) but seriously, its about yourself. The world is not perfect and really, no one owes anyone a living least of all myself. I realized some time ago that if you want something to happen, you have to do it yourself or at least make an effort. Which brought me back to this year. The focus last year was on grades and I really did spend alot of time and effort studying hard. To be really honest, this year was a little different. I totoally didn't feel like doing anything at all. This was especially true for the first 2 weeks of school which really dragged by without giving me much of a clue as to whats going on. I took the projects, assignments and presentations along the way in my stride but with noticeably less enthusiasm compared to last sememster.

I doubt that I am bored with school even though I get the feeling that I feel so lost. Its just this weird feeling that I have to contend with so far this year. Now why am I feeling the way I am feeling? I would be wise to tell you that I suspect I know why but egoistic enough as to deny my suspicion and rather openly declare I don't know why I am feeling the way I do. But nevertheless, the focus this semester is really to challenge myself I guess. And challenges, I have met alot. I've decided that I will be happy with my life and live in the moment. This has seen me do really weird stuff such as going for suppers in the dead of the night just because I felt like it. Meeting my good friend on his birthday at midnight just so I can wish him, playing mahjong on Saturday evenings even though I knew I was coming down with a flu, going to Waikiki 2007 which was a challenge for me in itself, applying for OCIP which I probably would have scnoffed at before and many other things. But I have met lots of new and interesting people this semester again and made more good friends. In fact, Can I say that I am proud that my MSN list of SMU friends has already exceeded my list of friends from my whole lifetime?

But the real reason behind everything is perhapes not as simple as simply challenging myself. I am not afraid to admit that I am a coward. I give advice I myself will never follow. The simple fact is I don't really like myself much. Whats there to like about me anyway? I keep myself in denial all day, refuse to face my true fears, refuse to do what I know I am supposed to be doing and I am always taking situations as "well at least I didn't do something bad" rather than "this is an excellent oppotunity for me to..". I realized that I totoally neglected my previous year's resolutions. I am not puntual, not true to myself and definitely not living life without regrets. I'm not participating much in class this sem though there is a very very slight improvement. The simple truth, I'm scared.

I'm scared of failure, scared of challenges, scared of being looked down on basically just about anything. But more than anything, I am scared of pain and rejection. Which is why I am in denial. Which is why I am a bother to all my close friends. Anyways I shant talk about it here. I'm in denial remmeber?

Now, there was this one great thing that happened. Cherie, Joy, Lay Khim and Noel actually bought me a present on Wednesday. Let me basically describe how I felt. I was sick, sian (thanks to a really shitty stats quiz which I probably got 0 for) and tired (TWC meeting later on). And out of the blue, they gave me the present which was TOTALLY unexpected. I was like really touched beyond words. All I could muster then was a thank you. I was so shocked I couldn't even at least give them a smile. I was so afriad that they will think that I am unappreciate when really, I am just bad at receiving gifts and coupled with the way I was feeling. Anyways, I know I have thanked you guys and girls profusely already but allow me to thank you one more time officially. You probably don't know how much it meant to me:)

Actually, there was another great incident that happened. Vivian and Sophia actually bought donuts and cough lozenges for me on Monday. Well, lets just put it this way. I am much better at giving stuff than to receive stuff. This might sound repetitive after awhile but I was touched:) I didn't even ask them to buy anything for me and they actually queued 1.5 hours for the donuts and bothered to buy some for me. Thanks to that, my family and I actually tried the donuts from donut factory for the very 1st time!! So yeap!! Thanks sooo muchy:P

Sighz. Blogging up to here, I feel very loved and yet lost. I really don't know whats wrong with me. But I had betetr find out soon before my life really starts falling apart.