It had to come to this. Its really stupid how long I've been thinkign and pondering about it when actually 10 yrs down the road, I'll be looking back and laughing at how childish I am to even bother about such a small decision. Well Ben, if you are reading this, and I don't think you are, please know that I really am trying very hard to decide between NTU and SMU. If NTU was in town, I wouldn't even have given SMU a second thought. Period. Can you blame it on distance? I don't think so. I admit it WAS the distance that prompted me to take a second look at SMU. Then I took a look at what you wanted in life and had a peek at what I wanted in my life. Time is important for you. It is for me too. But in a different way. I wanted to still be employable after the age of 40. And then, there are a few things that I want to do or accomplish in my life. Otherwise, I'll never be a happy person. It was eating at me in Anglican, in TJ and now in the army. The problem I think is that I am too passive. Too low on self-confidence. When I speak people DON'T listen. I don't command authority. Not that I am power hungry but I am sick of playing second fiddle. I'm sick of being taken for granted and sick of being laughed at.

I need to change. Or rather I need to dare to change. Ben. You told me that if I wanted to, I could change anywhere I went to. Thats true. But I have a weak willpower. I bend into temptations too easily. I wanted to change in TJ. I wanted to do alot of things in my life. But WANTED is not the SAME as HAVE DONE. I'm not sure that entering a university that promotes speaking up will help but the LEAST I could do is TRY. 4 years is small sacrifice if I become a emerged a better person. But the question is DO I DARE? or rather...CAN I? But then its the same again as WANTED to but didn't.

So what am I waiting for? Actually, I'll admit it here since its so much easier. FEAR. If I reject NTU now, will I regret it next year when I chicken out? Then again NTU is much more experienced when it comes to accountancy. You see? I debating over something trivial because of FEAR.

Anyways. I don't care whose reading this or what the fuck you think about it. Its my blog and my words and my life. If you don't like me, tell me. If you don't like the blog, too bad. Its written for me, NOT YOU!